Bald with a black beenie...

...our patient rested under his matching quilt, made by a volunteer. As my preceptor and I stepped in, he stuck his finger out at us for a pulse oximetry reading and asked, "Aren't you gonna use that flashlight to look in my mouth? That's what everyone else does." With gruff exterior but a heart of gold, I couldn't help but immediately enjoy the presence of this homeless man. We spent the day laughing with him, especially when he got up to take a "walk" around the hall. He ended up in the middle of the hall curled up on a stretcher with his cap over his face. "You can't lay here," Renee told him. He grumbled as he got up with a twinkle in his eye and went back to his room.

The next day, the hard news unfolded that he is not responding to chemotherapy as he should. There is no hope for a bone marrow transplant because he has no living blood relatives and there's not enough time for matched unrelated donor. Besides, the Leukemia is still out of control and no transplant can help that. He is left with two options: go forth with the last ditch "salvage" chemo or be released to the streets. Either way, his future seems grim. Being tired of waiting on the doctors, he asked Renee and I for the "straight up skinny" on his prognosis. As we explained what was happening in his body, he broke. He said, "All I want to do is breathe the fresh air again. I don't want to die all cooped up here." Neither Renee nor I got out of his room without breaking down crying with him. Our patients are not allowed to go outside because they are so immunocompromised. Yet, Renee pleaded with the doctor to let him go out just for a little while and he consented.

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Such is one of many daily encounters as a nurse on a Hematology/Oncology nurse. As emotionally, mentally, and physically demanding as it is, I wonder every day whether I was built for this. Then I am reminded by Oswald Chambers that this is what God has called and compelled me towards:

"He does not build on any natural capacity of ours at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us - He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come."

What a privelege it is to enter into people's lives in this way. Before going to work this week, I was given this verse: Acts 7:33, "Then the LORD said to him, 'take off your sandals; the place where you are standing is holy ground." To me, holy ground exists throughout 7NE. My challenge is to enter there with the humility that is merited. Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of God. I do not want to define my relationships with patients as healer-to-patient, because it implies that I am the "strong" one who has no needs. These patients have a perspective and wealth of experience that I lack. This completely counter-American culture truth is that we belong to each other, and each needs all the others (Rom.12:5). Robert Lupton writes in There's is the Kingdom, "we are called to mutual sharing and the discovery of gifts Christ has concealed in the unlikeliest among us."

My first day as a REAL nurse

From Monday, September 18, 2006

Today was my first day ever as a real nurse in the hospital. It was a good day! I was so jittery last night that I hardly caught a wink of shuteye. Wide awake on my trusty bike this morning, I trudged through the 6 am Seattle rain and wind. Walking onto the floor, I was feeling both soaked and scared out of my mind. I caught Erika’s eye and my fears were quickly calmed when she came over and gave me a hug. My preceptor, Kristin, and I worked a busy 12-hour shift. Kristin graduated just 2 years ago - she’s an extremely knowledgeable and caring nurse. It was so enjoyable to meet all of the different nurses – the staff is so diverse on so many different levels! So are the patients! Both of my patients today were Spanish-speaking. I loved being able to use Spanish with them; it brought me back to my time in Honduras this past summer. I learned so much today – everything from the UW charting system to giving blood. I think what “got” me today the most was when Kristin was telling me about how our patients get stem cell transplants that have been donated by a relative or placental/umbilical cord blood. When this happens, it’s a big deal on the floor and everyone calls it a ‘second birthday.’ Everyone signs a card and celebrates the new cells. To me it was so profound because it’s not just an opportunity for new cells – it’s a second chance for life. These people are basically dead from chemo and the sacrifice of another person, which allows for a stem cell transplant, can rescue them. It just makes me think of how, on an eternal level, being saved by Christ’s grace gives us new life. He’s our rescue when we’re as good as dead. Wow. Needless to say, I am going to bed now both excited and exhausted. Peace out!