a time to pray

"...I say to you, he who believes in Me,...greater works than these he will do, because I go to my Father." (John 14:12)

I read this yesterday morning, and pondered the fact that I have a tendency to pray quite selfishly. Often, I pray for God to change circumstances in ways that I think are best. His thoughts and ways are so much higher than my own and He wants to do even greater works than my small mind can comprehend. Not to say that we shouldn't pray boldly or in specific terms. I'm just comforted that the Spirit of God knows us more deeply than we know ourselves and intercedes on our behalf.

Also yesterday, patient taught me something wonderful about prayer. She told me that her biggest prayer is for the will of God to be done in her life. How simple, yet profound, for her to desire whatever He desires, be it life or leaving earth, be it healing or greater illness. I admire such a faith that wants exactly what He wants, even if it means pain and trials. Honestly, I'd rather have joy and adventures. Yet, as I selfishly want the best in life, God plans so much more than I could ever ask or imagine, even if He has to break me to bring me there. As I said goodbye, told her I'd be praying for her and drifted out of her room, I was led right back in to ask her if we could pray right then. She welled up in tears and asked me if there was anything happening in my life she could be praying about. I was stunned, and told her that no patient has ever asked me that. Wow, a patient who is at an all-time low in chemo was giving me such a gift. It was the first time I got to pray with a pt. as a nurse, and definitely not the last.

Stem Cells

A week ago I had the privilege of administering stem cells to this amazing, developmentally disabled man from Germany. He was smiling from ear to ear almost all day, so excited about receiving the treatment. We sang him happy birthday and he laughed at us. The cells were cryopreserved, which means that they are frozen at 170 degrees below celsius (freakin' cold!) and a tech had to be in the room with us to defrost them. The container they came in seriously looked like the syntox nerve gas canisters from 24, heh heh. Our patient became very serious when we were telling him about some side effects of receiving cryo cells, mainly the nausea and vomiting that most people experience. He asked us, "So, if I throw up, does that mean I'm going to lose my cells forever?" We assured him that he would not because they are going into his blood stream to stay. Then he asked about where his cells were coming from and we explained that a woman donated them just for him. Gravely, he asked, "Does that mean I am going to become a woman?" To his utter relief, we promised him he would not change genders. The third question that he asked was, "Did my chemotherapy give me the immune system of a baby?" I explained to him that the chemotherapy does make him very susceptible to sickness, much like a baby. I also told him that if the stem cells do their job, they will help to rescue his immune system and make it strong. "I am so thankful for today," he replied. He made it through transplant like a champ! What an example of a simple, beautiful, and hopeful spirit this man was to me.

Another story flashes back to a week previous, when I got to watch a cryo transplant on a young guy who had just gotten married. It was clear to me that he and his family were believers, as they were praying throughout the whole procedure. I just found out yesterday that his cells did not engraft and he died over the weekend. Whoa. It really makes me think about how all of these people are completely on the edge of life and death. They live in such uncertainty regarding whether or not they will make it through the week. This is weighty, especially to think of it in terms of salvation, but God reminds me that I am such a forward thinker and do not think of my life in such terms, but maybe I should. I see a gentleness and gratefullness in these patients and their families that I have yet to grasp.

222

Monday was a crazy day! We had to call 2 rapid responses - I wasn't a part of one but ran right into another to find a patient sitting on a bench in the shower telling me she was having a hard time breathing. As she was slipping in and out of consciousness, I held her up and encouraged her to keep talking to me as the charge nurse was putting on O2 and calling a 222 (rapid response). Many more staff came to help as she collapsed in my arms. We carried her to the bed and got her breathing again. She was fine but the antihypertensive she had that morning had significantly slowed her heart and breathing. I didn't apply for an ER job but am beginning to feel like that's what I've gotten myself into! The other nurses tease me that I bring the emergencies because it's not always like this.

Overall, it's been a great week so far. I told my preceptor that I want to be challenged so she had me take two patients on my own yesterday. Among other things, I got to hang platelets, IV meds and do a discharge. Although IV stuff is still quite a struggle for me, I'm beginning to get the hang of it. My life is now consumed with being a nurse, however, it's still strange for me to identify myself in that way. I suppose it is because I've only really been a nurse for a few weeks in comparison with over 20 years of doing other things. As hard as it is sometimes, I wouldn't trade this for anything. I love it because every day I am brought to the essence of reality and humanity, in all of its pain and joy, setbacks and victories.

A close friend asked me the other day, "what is it that you want more than anything right now?" I know that could be answered in a selfless or selfish way and also either very general or very specific. All I could honestly think to respond was, "I would like to see myself the way that God sees me." Sometimes I am so hard on myself and for that reason I thank God for seeing all that I have not yet been. He knows us better than we know ourselves. How piercing to realize that God not only knows where we live, but also knows the gutters into which we crawl. Still, we are completely loved. There is a lifetime of "becoming" yet to be unfolded - so what are we waiting for?

Growing Pains

How hard it is to grow up! Rapid development in a child or adolescent's body can cause great pain in their joints. Right now, I am growing into the role of a nurse and am often being stretched beyond what I think I can handle. Being faced with a life-and-death emergency situation last Friday, I'm better understanding the weight of the career I've been called to, as well as the value of another life. How valuable is the life of a human being? God has made us a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned us with glory and honor. We're so much more important to him than the sunsets, the stars, and the seas. Jesus demonstrated His love for us by giving His very life so that we could truly live.

Our patient Friday is the sweetest, tinitest little woman who had her birthday (AKA recieved her stem cell transplant) that day. Kristin and I walked into her room when the doctors were rounding and she was actively throwing up. The doctors left while Kristin helped her into the bathroom and I went to get sheets for her bed. My phone buzzed an emergency in her room and I walked in to find Kristin and the woman's husband holding her. She had collapsed in their arms, her eyes rolled to the back of her head, she was unresponsive, had stopped breathing intermittently and turned completely pale. Kristin said, "help - I need you to get the charge nurse and page the doctor right now." I ran and grabbed the charge while another nurse came in and called Rapid Response Team, which alerts the MD, stat nurse and respiratory team to come immediately. They got her onto the bed, put O2 on, and thank God, were able to bring her back. Scary. It all seemed to happen in slow motion as I pretty much froze while everyone else was busy monitoring her, drawing labs, and ensuring her stability. Wow - if there has ever been a time I felt incompetent, it was right then. The first real emergency I've been in. This doesn't just happen on TV - it happens in every day real life. More than anything, I was so relieved that she was okay and thankful to God for sparing her.

Right now I am overwhelmed about my responsibility and wondering how I am going to be able to handle it all on my own. Administering chemo, stem cells and bone marrow transplants? Emergency situations? I know I am not expected to perform beyond my capabilities, yet, I still wonder if I'll ever feel like I really know what I'm doing. It blows my mind to think about everything that happens in a 12-hour shift. My mind is still reeling from the week of learning and experiencing. All the same, I am completely in love with this job because of the patients. Funny how in our lives moments of intense brokenness are often intermingled with a glorious and inexpressible joy.

To be a holy person means that the elements of our natural life experience the very presence of God as they are providentially broken in His service. -Oswald Chambers

I am reassured to know that the straightness of my gain is not a precondition of usefulness to God. And I am humbled to see that out of the twistedness of my wounds, he designs for me a special place of service. -Robert D. Lupton