a time to tear and a time to mend

It has been the most difficult week I have ever had as a RN. I won’t go into the gory details, but I will say that during my 60+ hour work week, there were myriad of hard things happening, including my making a major mistake, being with a patient teetering on the ICU, and dealing with some major patient pain control issues. If there’s ever been a time that I’ve needed the grace of God in my life (aside from the moment of salvation), it has seriously been this week.

To finish off the difficult week, I got to work on Christmas Eve and had a very redemptive day. Started off hard, I woke up with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. It was hard for me to put my finger on exactly what I was so down about, and I think it is a combination of a lot of things, such as those aforementioned. Something else was bumming me out, too. It was the first Christmas Eve I hadn’t been able to spend with my family. Although I was SO blessed and thankful to have Christmas Day off, I knew I’d be lacking that family community in the evening. This was hard, since Christmas Eve is when we have always done church and presents and driving around to look at the lights. I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal, it should just be like any other day, but it’s NOT! It’s special, with the focus on Jesus first and also family. I was feeling okay about it a few days ago when I was only going to work an 8 hour shift and go to the Christmas Eve service at Bethany, but I ended up taking the extra 4 hours after so that another RN could be with her family. This was totally worth it to me because I wouldn’t have been able to see my family until the next day, anyways, and I was glad that she could.

Nevertheless, I was kinda bummed, but there is nothing like spending 12 hours with cancer patients that gives you a jolted and renewed perspective on things. When I walked into one patient's room for the first time that morning, he said, "Wow, you look really festive today." I was decked out in a snowflake scrub top, bright green pants and a red hoodie zip sweatshirt. Later in the day, I was able to sit and have a long conversation with this guy and his wife, hearing about his journey and faith through being diagnosed and going through remission and relapsing for the 3rd time. The 3rd time, he came into the ER for extreme pain. After tests, there was no clinical reason for the pain, they said they believe it was just God prodding him in the back to get his butt into the doctor. What a story! As I apologized about the fact that they have to spend Christmas in the hospital, he responded by saying “We know we're supposed to be here right now and we are so thankful to be here, even though its Christmas. It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be...my biggest fears when I came in were getting mouth sores and feeling like I was going to lose 20 pounds. But, the mucositis isn't nearly as bad, I haven't had much pain at all, and the nutrition bag (TPN) has kept me from losing much weight at all. It's not your fault that we're here and that we have cancer....you're here to help us and that mean giving pills and taking vitals and doing all that you do. And we are so thankful for you and everyone one the health care team who has helped us so much.” He and his wife encouraged me so much w/words and even with talking to their fam on the phone about me. We talked about God and how they said as much as they’d love to go to church that day, they know God understands. They talked about all of their prayer warriors at church. AND, at the end of the day, I was called into their room because they wanted to give me this beautiful beaded chain and card that his wife had made for me. The card said, “Merry Christmas to an awesome person and nurse." Wow. Needless to say, my patients on Christmas Eve MADE my day. With a laugh and a twinkle in his eye, the other of my patients called me a blood-sucking, pill-pushing, people-poking nurse! I had fun joking around with him the whole day. God knew I needed to have a day like that after such an intensely difficult week.

I was glad to have some time at lunch that day to read from Oswald Chambers, who wrote something that struck a deep chord within me. He talked about living on a mountain, which is actually more like a plateau with lots of room to live and grow, where God enlarges, “…my path under me, so my feet did not slip.” (Ps 18:36) He goes on to say, “When you really see Jesus, I defy you to doubt Him. If you see Him when He says, ‘Let not your hearts be troubled…,’ I defy you to worry. It is virtually impossible to doubt when He is there. Every time you are in personal contact with Jesus, His words are real to you. ‘My peace I give to you…’ – a peace which brings an unconstrained confidence and covers you completely, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. ‘…your life is hidden with Christ in God,’ and the peace of Jesus Christ that cannot be disturbed has been imparted to you.”

After a week where my confidence has been rocked like never before, I am SO thankful to be resting in the arms of the Prince of Peace, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God and Everlasting Father, Who is the ever-present Immanuel, God WITH US!!!