A John 14 kind of PEACE...
The previous journal entry brings me to the amazing chapter of John 14, almost completely composed of the words of Jesus as He comforts His disciples:
”Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” (v 1)
“Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do EVEN GREATER things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” (v 11-14)
God wants to use us as He used Jesus!?!? Yeah, I'd say that's a tremendous responsibility - and privilege! In what God has called me to, this career called nursing, I definitely felt the weight of that this week. As Oswald said, "The goal of faithfulness is not that we will do work for God, but that He will be free to do His work through us. God calls us to His service and places tremendous responsibilities on us. He expects no complaining on our part and offers no explanation on His part. God wants to use us as He used His own Son." Wow. I am honored that God wants to use me in that way, and also extremely thankful that He won’t call us into anything, however difficult, without walking with us in it every step of the way.
“If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever – the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” (v 15-18)
Obedience to God is not easy! But, as the desire of my heart is to follow Christ my Lord and my example, I am being called to obedience. In light of Jesus demonstrating obedience unto to death, even death on a cross, how absurd it is for me to even think of throwing in the towel when the going gets tough! I am thankful to God for the Counselor of the Holy Spirit who never leaves me and is forever within me. He is my Sustainer, my reality check, my Light, my Strength and SO much more.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (v 27)
I can’t say that I was feeling at peace this entire week. Not when I made a major mistake on Monday, not when my Pre-ICU patient was tanking fast on me, not when my new admit from the ED was having uncontrollable pain, not when I trembled in exhaustion at night in bed, and not when I woke up in the early mornings just to burst into discouraged tears. Yet, I know God was there in every moment of it, good and tough, to offer me His peace. I was finally able to come to that again on the night of Christmas Eve, when I tardily stumbled into the Free Methodist Church in my scrubs, to find myself enraptured by a marvelous candle lighting service. “The hopes and fears of all the years are met in Thee tonight” was the theme. As the symbolic candles were being lit and ignited mine in the back of the sanctuary, I was able to accept over-riding peace of God, which transcends all human understanding.
a time to tear and a time to mend
It has been the most difficult week I have ever had as a RN. I won’t go into the gory details, but I will say that during my 60+ hour work week, there were myriad of hard things happening, including my making a major mistake, being with a patient teetering on the ICU, and dealing with some major patient pain control issues. If there’s ever been a time that I’ve needed the grace of God in my life (aside from the moment of salvation), it has seriously been this week.
To finish off the difficult week, I got to work on Christmas Eve and had a very redemptive day. Started off hard, I woke up with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. It was hard for me to put my finger on exactly what I was so down about, and I think it is a combination of a lot of things, such as those aforementioned. Something else was bumming me out, too. It was the first Christmas Eve I hadn’t been able to spend with my family. Although I was SO blessed and thankful to have Christmas Day off, I knew I’d be lacking that family community in the evening. This was hard, since Christmas Eve is when we have always done church and presents and driving around to look at the lights. I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal, it should just be like any other day, but it’s NOT! It’s special, with the focus on Jesus first and also family. I was feeling okay about it a few days ago when I was only going to work an 8 hour shift and go to the Christmas Eve service at Bethany, but I ended up taking the extra 4 hours after so that another RN could be with her family. This was totally worth it to me because I wouldn’t have been able to see my family until the next day, anyways, and I was glad that she could.
Nevertheless, I was kinda bummed, but there is nothing like spending 12 hours with cancer patients that gives you a jolted and renewed perspective on things. When I walked into one patient's room for the first time that morning, he said, "Wow, you look really festive today." I was decked out in a snowflake scrub top, bright green pants and a red hoodie zip sweatshirt. Later in the day, I was able to sit and have a long conversation with this guy and his wife, hearing about his journey and faith through being diagnosed and going through remission and relapsing for the 3rd time. The 3rd time, he came into the ER for extreme pain. After tests, there was no clinical reason for the pain, they said they believe it was just God prodding him in the back to get his butt into the doctor. What a story! As I apologized about the fact that they have to spend Christmas in the hospital, he responded by saying “We know we're supposed to be here right now and we are so thankful to be here, even though its Christmas. It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be...my biggest fears when I came in were getting mouth sores and feeling like I was going to lose 20 pounds. But, the mucositis isn't nearly as bad, I haven't had much pain at all, and the nutrition bag (TPN) has kept me from losing much weight at all. It's not your fault that we're here and that we have cancer....you're here to help us and that mean giving pills and taking vitals and doing all that you do. And we are so thankful for you and everyone one the health care team who has helped us so much.” He and his wife encouraged me so much w/words and even with talking to their fam on the phone about me. We talked about God and how they said as much as they’d love to go to church that day, they know God understands. They talked about all of their prayer warriors at church. AND, at the end of the day, I was called into their room because they wanted to give me this beautiful beaded chain and card that his wife had made for me. The card said, “Merry Christmas to an awesome person and nurse." Wow. Needless to say, my patients on Christmas Eve MADE my day. With a laugh and a twinkle in his eye, the other of my patients called me a blood-sucking, pill-pushing, people-poking nurse! I had fun joking around with him the whole day. God knew I needed to have a day like that after such an intensely difficult week.
I was glad to have some time at lunch that day to read from Oswald Chambers, who wrote something that struck a deep chord within me. He talked about living on a mountain, which is actually more like a plateau with lots of room to live and grow, where God enlarges, “…my path under me, so my feet did not slip.” (Ps 18:36) He goes on to say, “When you really see Jesus, I defy you to doubt Him. If you see Him when He says, ‘Let not your hearts be troubled…,’ I defy you to worry. It is virtually impossible to doubt when He is there. Every time you are in personal contact with Jesus, His words are real to you. ‘My peace I give to you…’ – a peace which brings an unconstrained confidence and covers you completely, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. ‘…your life is hidden with Christ in God,’ and the peace of Jesus Christ that cannot be disturbed has been imparted to you.”
After a week where my confidence has been rocked like never before, I am SO thankful to be resting in the arms of the Prince of Peace, Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God and Everlasting Father, Who is the ever-present Immanuel, God WITH US!!!
Wonderful Counselor
“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6) Two Sundays ago, Chris Gough preached a sermon on this verse. He pointed out how this is the only passage where Christ is referred to as “Counselor,” because all of the others in scripture refer to the Holy Spirit. He also explained how this verse shows that everything that God is – Everlasting Father, Jesus as Prince of Peace, and Holy Spirit as Wonderful Counselor – is wrapped up in this coming child and to be worshipped as Mighty God. As our Wonderful Counselor, Christ is all-present to us and has authority on what he counsels us on. All-present?!? That blows my mind! The God of all creation is willing to be with me at all times to walk with me, advise and counsel me! Not only myself, but with every last person on this planet of 6 billion, and with all who have ever lived and with all who will ever live. He has seen every tear and heard every laugh; he has been in all of the highs, lows and mundane-every-day…and he still loves us! What better Counselor do we have than One who knows and has experienced all?!?
This Christmas season holds a tremendous amount of WONDER as long as we are looking. Wonder is something that is beyond our understanding and requires humility to experience, because it is admitting that we are smaller than the One we are awed by. This is easy for a child, but, as soon as God becomes something that we “get” as adults, then we’re in trouble. Chris said the best thing we can do logically is to understand that we can’t work through everything logically. We live in a word that often has lost a sense of wonder, and has thus become shrunken.
God, on the other hand, can not be limited. Soren Kierkergard said, “If you label me, you negate me.” Oswald Chambers talks of how, “In the New Testament Jesus Christ is the Savior long before He is the pattern. Today He is being portrayed as the figurehead of a religion – a mere example. He is that, but He is infinitely more. He is salvation itself; He IS the gospel of God!” Just as we should never limit Jesus to a mere example for us to follow, we also should not limit Christmas to societal norms, or even to a series of motions that come around once a year (although they may be “good”). JESUS IS SO MUCH MORE! C.S. Lewis put it well: "Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
Hungry
Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy.
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.
Broken, I run to You, for Your arms are open wide.
I am weary but I know Your touch restore my life.
So I wait for You. So I wait for You.
I’m falling on my knees. Offering all of me.
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for.---------------------------------------Right now I am HUNGRY for God. Eugene Peterson would say: My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous! (Ps 119). A.W. Tozer has stated, “Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within them.” My phrase? I lack.Thank God he longs to be with us, refresh our hearts and nourish our souls! He also wants to heal our bodies and minds. There's no denying I feel broken right now and continue to realize what I broken world I live in. I'm so glad it doesn't stop there. Not only does Christ want to fill us with His love, He wants it to overflow onto others, in not only the spiritual, but in emotional and physical aspects as well. "I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me a drink, I was homeless and you gave me a room, I was shivering and you gave me clothes, I was sick and you stopped to visit, I was in prison and you came to me." (Matt 25:34-36, Msg.) Lord, fill me and show me how and where I can serve others with Your love. Our life's satisfaction can be found only in You.Life is so short, so fleeting. As Pastor Richard admonished us last night, help me not to waste another day on the wrong train. When it's all over, what will we have to say about our earthly lives? Father, bring me to that new level of forgiveness, of service, of joy, of intimacy with You, of excellence. Not that I am competent in myself to claim anything for myself, but my competence comes from You. Help me to live with eyes wide open, to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. God, ignite in me a longing for a life in the light - one that is deeply rooted in Christ alone.The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. -Psalm 34:10Why is everyone hungry for more? "More, more," they say. "More, more." I have God's more-than-enough, More joy in one ordinary day. -Psalm 4:6-7Amen.
